My blender has made itself obscenely firm on it’s stance and has stated it’s demands. No negotiations will be accepted.

It refuses to do exactly that one task for which it was created for: blend. That is… without a jolt of one sort of liquor or another.

One must give a great deal of respect to such a humble, household appliance for putting it’s pride on the line in order to stand up for what it believes in like it has. To sacrifice it’s sheer purpose for being. To place everything it knows to be true and good in this world on the line for the sake of having a few ounces of premium liquor in it. That seems like proper god damned justification for me to keep right on living by the same rules that it does. If my blender refuses to do a proper day’s work without having a few shots in it, then perhaps I should to.

The simple fact is this: I’ve placed frozen peach wedges into this noble device and have pressed several of the buttons found on it’s human interface. What happens? Nothing of valid consequence, that’s for fucking sure! The freakish thing just makes a terribly awkward whirring noise as it mutilates the ass ends of the bottom most peach wedges without properly blending a damned thing for me. The bastard machine will only function as stated in the accompanying instructional literature *if* I give in to it’s demands and fortify the given recipe with several shots of rum and/or tequila and/or vodka and/or absinthe and/or mead, etc. etc. and so on.

I feel the hand of the Almighty in this. How else could an inanimate object act in such a way?

As you’ve surly heard, people have now found God’s divine presence in sulfur-water stains under filthy interstate overpasses in the America middle-west. If God’s touch is universal enough that he will present himself in such a manner unbefitting of a supreme being, why can I not find his presence, and therefore his divine will, in my blender? If my blender refuses to actually blend without liquor in it, is that not evidence of some sort of higher power giving me a sign? If simple, god-fearing folk from the suburbs of Chicago feel a need to take a pilgrimage to a grungy, piss-soaked highway underpass because they seek the presence of God, should I not enjoy a good and strong daiquiri before I begin my work day for the same reasons? Is it not disrespectful to God himself to do otherwise? ? After all, God DID render my blender unable to function properly without at least 3 shots of any one type of liquor or another. I feel his divinity. Who else could it possibly be? Do you doubt it? Is my clean and comfortable kitchen not a valid place to feel the hand of God? Obviously it is, if God also chooses to extend his arm and create a likeness of his personally chosen vessel… the Virgin Mother herself… in a lowly, feces and vomit saturated sulfur-water stained highway underpass.

So, here I sit, casually sipping God’s personally blessed elixir. I am not going to argue with the Almighty’s will. Would you? What was to be a vitamin fortified peach smoothie has now become a comically strong peach daiquiri, all in accordance with God’s divine plan. And I’ll be damned to all fucking eternal hell if it doesn’t taste good! Who am I to question God’s perfect plan? I just sip it with a casually cool understanding that I am on the fast track to heeeaaaven… Hallelujah!